Barsexuality is the new black.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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