Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
