I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
