Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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