Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
