i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
do nipples grow back?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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