Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
