Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.