I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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