I just pynch a tree in the face
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?