I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.