i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.