Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
