I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
