I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
