Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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