I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!