I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
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You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.