Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
