dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
