I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.