Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.