I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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