so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
