I think I am morally bankrupt
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
