I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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