I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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