Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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