You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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