I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?