my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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