So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
