i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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