Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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