I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
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this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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