do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
