drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize