areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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