Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
