I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize