just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
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