im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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