If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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