New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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