I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
