I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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