do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
