So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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