Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
