3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
