Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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