Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
