It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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