I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
