He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
